003- Transform your marriage, have fun, and gain clarity
We have made it to episode 003 & I am so happy I am doing a literal happy dance…. Love Shack, of course.
Today’s episode is all about understand your spouse better! Over the last 12 years, there have been moments that Wes has just… well… gotten on my nerves. haha. You feel me? And truthfully, I have frustrated him.
I worry too much.
I want to be recognized for the work I have put into our business.
What I am doing never feels like enough.
I am worthless if I am not creating.
How do these things affect him? He has a wife who is sad, or needy, or detached when I am not being fulfilled or seen.
This episode we dive into what we did that has helped him see me (and me, him) so we can finally understand each other and meet each other where we are…. instead of waiting on the other to change. (Newsflash: your partner isn’t going to change.)
Click below to watch or listen.
Love Languages
The first thing I recommend is doing your love languages. If you haven’t done this yet, or you haven’t in a while, there is a link below you can use to take the test FO FREE. So, no excuses.
Knowing your love language is literally how you receive love. Wes Wages can give me rub my back all day long but if he doesn’t tell me he thinks I knocked my recent photoshoot out of the park, I don’t feel seen. I don’t feel loved. And after a while, I feel depleted. I receive love best through words. This does NOT come natural to him. Nope. Wes Wages is the worst at words. But after YEARS of training… he knows exactly what I need & how to do it that fills me up.
And you know what happens when I feel filled up, it is easy for me to turn around and give it right back to him.
Yes, there are seasons where one of us can’t do this at 100%… or even 20%… and the other is working overtime. But if that person keeps pouring in, it will come back to them.
Or if you are already in a space that neither of you is giving. You both feel depleted. It just takes one of you to start. And lay it on thick. Give, give, give. The other person will start to feel love and be able to give it back.
BUT all of this is pointless if you aren’t giving the right kind of love. So, go take that test! Otherwise, you will be wasting time & energy & you will lose hope.
Trust me. I wasted the first 3 years of our marriage giving Wes words of affirmation. I might as well have been talking to a rock.
This is step ONE.
Enneagram
The second test I recommend is the enneagram. This is a test we took last year that has been the biggest eye opener for our marriage. Total game changer. I will admit it is extensive & there is SO much to learn. I am not expert but peeling back the layers of each other has helps resolve fights and see the full picture of each other in a way that we never have. It has also helped take our love languages to the next level.
The first 10 years of our marriage, Wes literally referred to me as the “dream killer.” I swear he got out of the shower every day with 10 new ideas. I immediately said, “no” and was annoyed every time I heard the phrase “I have a new idea…”
Not to mention, he would start something and literally never finish. He would have already moved onto the next thing.
After taking the enneagram, we realized Wes is a 7. Here is a short description of a 7.
Hello, Wes Wages!!!
I now see that having adventure is literally what fuels his soul. Instead of me immediately saying no to his dreams, I listen to him. I give him the space to realize which ones are bad… haha. And then I work with him on ones that could actually happen.
A roadtrip with our 4 kids is no longer something I think he is wanting to do just to cross it off his list, it is him having adventure. And if he has adventure, he feels fulfilled…. like himself… happy.
And I want him to be happy.
As for me? This is me in a nutshell… but truthfully, I am more like an onion with lots of layers… so yes, Wes could view me as complicated… but I like to think I am an adventure all in myself ;)
So, remember, I said that knowing our enneagram can affect our love languages?
Well, Wes has spent a lot of time telling me how attracted he is to me. And while, I like knowing my husband thinks I am cute. It doesn’t hit that spot in my heart that really makes me explode.
When he tells me what a badass I am at something I have worked on. Or how proud he is of me for creating something… like this podcast. I soar. I feel like I can do anything. I am ready to dominate the world.
This has helped him to know how to support my dreams. And push me to actually go after what I want…. even if I am scared.
What I love about the enneagram. Is it tells you how you change in stress (Hello, coronavirus turning me into what feels like a different person!) and in growth.
It doesn’t put you in one box. There are lots of parts of you that, depending on your environment, can come out.
We have utilized it with how we communicate with our family, friends, and work team.
Let me be clear. These things haven’t come overnight. We have literally taught each other what we need. Wes doesn’t know how his words affect me if I don’t tell him. My touch can be pointless if I am not doing it in a way that Wes notices.
But I have loved learning about him and I love feeling understood and supported.
The links to both tests are below. They are free and absolutely worth the time for both of you.
Image from the Enneagram Journey
How do you understand your enneagram results? The test will give you the top 3 numbers it believes you are. You read about those numbers and discover what you are. Wes was convinced he was a 3 for a long time because it was the highest number on his test. Also, he wanted to be the “Achiever” but after reading more he realized he was a hard 7. (remember, 7s just jump to the next thing, so he wouldn’t take the time in the beginning to figure it out… haha)
top favorite enneagram resources:
The band Sleep at Last created a podcast episode for each of the nine enneagrams with songs written for that type. It is beautiful… a work of art in the purest form. And he has expert Christopher Heuertz explaining that type. SO.DANG.GOOD.
The Road Back to you is Enneagram 101. It is a great way to read about each type and get familiar with what the enneagram is.
The sacred enneagram talks about spiritual growth. It is an excellent resource!
As always, the best way to support me is to leave me review & share this episode with your favorite couples!
Life is a little crazy, and there are days you feel a little crazy, especially when you have no idea why your spouse doesn’t respond to the love poems you wrote... but you aren't alone... I get it.
Be Happy and Love each other. -T